


she'll never be yours

by rxginamills



Category: Friends (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, F/M, i am hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 11:05:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14424075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rxginamills/pseuds/rxginamills
Summary: Chandler announces that he's going to propose to Monica and suddenly Rachel finds herself revealing her biggest secret to Phoebe.





	she'll never be yours

There was something uncharacteristically chipper about Chandler. Of course, he was the one to crack a joke no matter how dim the situation was; he made everyone either laugh or roll their eyes. You couldn't find a more sarcastic soul if you searched the planet.

He was different this time. Rachel could see it from afar. Chandler fiddled with his hands and spoke very little. He looked like he was concentrating on one certain point in every room he was in (and this was proven to be true when Joey frantically waved his hand in front of Chandler's face and he remained unbothered).

One day - the day that she's grateful she'll never have to relive - Rachel walked into Joey's apartment and saw all the guys huddled together to gaze at something in Chandler's hand. A cubic box of some sort. Her curiosity broke through.

Ross pushed Chandler towards Rachel. All three men were smiling like idiots. She couldn't help but feel nervous.

"I'm gonna ask Monica to marry me."

Suddenly gravity no longer affected Rachel. Her head was throbbing - screaming at her in a loud voice. Her heart jumped into her throat, as if it would fly out of it the second Rachel opened her mouth. She simply stared at Chandler before forcing a smile. She hadn't even registered Phoebe entering the apartment.

"Oh my god! Wow, that's so great, you guys are gonna be so happy! That's — "

Then she stopped talking and rubbed her throat. Every cell in her body was telling her to leave, to go literally anywhere else than near that ring.

"Rach? Are you okay?" Chandler asked. His voice intensified the throbbing. It was like plugging in an amplifier to her pain.

"I can't breathe. I - I - I can't breathe, I - "

"What?" Phoebe exclaimed quickly.

"I gotta go outside for a bit, I'm sorry. I'm happy for you, Chandler, I really am." Rachel choked out and ran off. She could feel Phoebe's tentative eyes on her as she practically leapt down the stairs. When she was finally outside, she sat on the pavement and sunk her head into her hands. It didn't take long for Phoebe to arrive at her side.

"Are you alright?" she asked, "Chandler thinks you might not be supportive but I convinced him that that was not it. You are happy for them, right?"

"Of course I am!" Rachel exclaimed, lifting her head from her hands quickly, "I'm so glad that they've found happiness in each other but... "

"But what? What is going on, Rachel?"

Rachel sighed, "I don't know! I mean, of course I know! It's just... seeing Chandler and Monica so happy and ready to spend their life with each other, it - "

Suddenly Phoebe gasped, "Oh my god!"

Rachel sprung up from the ground. Her heart stopped beating for a mere second. All she could do was stare at Phoebe, who looked so confident in what she was about to say.

"You love Chandler!"

A big, heavy stone rolled away from Rachel's chest and she let out a pained laugh, "What? I don't love Chandler!"

"Yes, yes you do! I've seen the looks you give him when he and Monica are cuddling, you're heartbroken! And don't think I haven't heard you cry because I have, probably more than I'd like to. Then there are the broken smiles when they're around because you're trying to hold yourself together and - "

Phoebe stopped talking abruptly. Rachel had tears in her eyes. Everything Phoebe had mentioned just kept increasing her urge to bawl.

"Oh. Oh, you really don't love Chandler."

There was an intense silence.

"You love Monica."

Rachel began to cry and Phoebe took her into her arms. For a few minutes they just stood there together, ignoring the looks of people passing by. Rachel had hid her feelings for the longest time. She was frightened to her core, but relieved at the same time. Someone knew now and she could not be happier that that someone was Phoebe. She knew exactly what to do. She didn't ask pointless questions or force her to talk, knowing that she couldn't. Phoebe simply held Rachel until she was ready.

"It's gonna be okay, you know," Phoebe whispered.

"How?" Rachel asked with a scared, high-pitched voice. She looked so much like a little girl in that moment, afraid that the world would collapse on top of her.

"Monica will be happy. That's what you want, right?"

"I do, more than anything."

"Chandler will give her that. He's so good to her." Phoebe rubbed Rachel's back. She felt the shorter woman suppress a sob.

"I know. I just wish it was me. I want to give her that happiness but I know I never will. Monica is straight and sees me as her best friend. If she ever found out that I'm in love with her... I don't know if she'd ever look at me the same," Rachel explained, slowly detaching herself from Phoebe's embrace, "Please don't tell her."

"And betray your trust? Never. Your secret is safe with me. I'm with you."

The two women hugged again and then decided to head inside. Rachel felt safe despite the fact that every step she took - closer to the woman she loved but could never have - felt like a sharp poke in her feet. Her arm linked with Phoebe's was the only thing holding her up at that point. They walked back to Joey's apartment, where Chandler was sitting with his back facing the door. Rachel took a deep breath.

"Hi Chandler," she began gently. He turned around and his eyes widened with relief.

"Rach! Are you okay? You rushed out of here so quickly." he walked up to her.

"I'm... I'm fine, really. I want you to know that I truly and wholeheartedly am happy for you and Monica and I'm glad that she gets to spend the rest of her life with you. Just - please - take good care of her. She's my best friend and I can't ever see her hurt."

"Don't worry Rachel, I think we'll be okay. I'll keep her safe."

Rachel looked up into Chandler's eyes and saw love - that same burning, beautiful, soul-crushing love that she also bore for Monica. She knew Monica was in good hands.

(And God help Chandler if he harmed her in any way; Rachel would go after him without an ounce of hesitation)

"Promise me." Rachel took his both hands into hers. He would never know about her feelings for Monica. As long as she lived, the truth would never come out from her or Phoebe.

"I promise. I'll put that into action if you let me go propose now." he laughed. Rachel did the same and let go of him. Chandler left the apartment. Phoebe went up to Rachel and hugged her quickly, whispering supportive things into her ear. Nothing could compare to the pain she was feeling in that moment.

"You did good, Rach."

Phoebe's kind words brought a faint smile to her lips.

"I know."


End file.
